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nightcrawlersYour Name/Alias: Ry
Age: 26
Character: Charlie Kelly
Series: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Character Age: 36
Job: Head of sanitation management and animal control.
Canon: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia follows the poor life choices of four people in their mid-thirties (and one 60-something guy who raised two of them but might or might not be his ex-husband's biological father). Their lives are all one big example of what not to do, from identity fraud, breaking and entering, sweatshop operation, extortion, kidnapping, and drug addiction, to owning and operating a bar in south Philly and just being generally awful people who ruin the lives of everyone around them while suffering no actual consequences for their own actions.
Charlie Kelly, the janitor and co-owner of aforementioned bar, is arguably the closest thing the gang has to a decent human being, but he's still kind of a histrionic little asshole. His hobbies include things like huffing glue and eating cat food, and he's pretty much completely illiterate. But at least he's enthusiastic, in a childishly insane rambling lunatic sort of way. He's also an expert at "Charlie Work", which means handling any disgusting janitorial tasks, from scrubbing particularly hard-to-clean urinals to slaughtering generations upon generations of rats, all of which he's developed a number of alarmingly effective systems for.
Tell us about yourself in a few words.
My name's Charlie.
Why are you joining our happy community?
Court-ordered community service. Again. Look, I may or may not have allegedly quote unquote broken into an apartment that may or may not but really actually did not at all have any legal or illegal species of bird or bird eggs. I needed to make sure they were up to code. But apparently that's "against the law", or something. Like I don't know the law when it comes to birds. I'm an expert in bird law!
Anyway, there was a lot of talk about a previous record, but I wasn't really listening. All I know is, you would not believe how much paint thinner I had to huff to stay passed out for the whole trip here.
Would you be able to dispose of the flesh of the undead? How?
Well, that depends. Are we talking, like, vampires, zombies, or werewolves? Wait, shit, are werewolves undead? They are, right?
If it's zombies, it's easy. First, you soak the meat in liquid. Flammable chemicals work, but milk is okay in a pinch. You have to leave it for like two days, preferably out in the sun. If you're really in a hurry, you can put it in the oven for a couple hours, but there's really no guarantee that'll destroy it. Plus you have to get a new oven after, and that's just a mess. After you soak and and cook it, you throw it in the dumpster behind the bar.
Vampires, pretty sure you have to soak those too, but it's a little different. For vampire flesh, you're gonna want to collect a lot of cat pee. Like, a lot. We're talking like a whole week of leaving a barrel under the fire escape at night a lot. But then you only have to soak it for like ten minutes and it's good. Then you light it on fire and throw it in the dumpster behind the bar.
Werewolves, though, just don't even mess with them. Seriously, don't. Werewolves are some bad stuff, and you need like, voodoo. Like a whole voodoo ceremony. It's just not worth it.
Can you swim?
In a pool or a sewer? Sure. Probably the ocean too, I don't even know, man, that thing is just huge.
- Could you still do it under extreme distress?
You don't know what distress is until you hear the oncoming roar of sewer water headed right your way and you haven't finished getting your pants off yet.
-- While dragging someone else to shore?
Maybe, but I probably wouldn't. You shouldn't be playing in the sewer if you can't get out on your own, that's practically the law.
--- While something, let’s say a tentacle, tries to drag you under?
Is it a little tentacle or a big one? Come on, dude, these questions aren't anywhere near specific enough.
---- How would you handle that situation?
How am I supposed to handle any situation if you won't even tell me how big the tentacles are? That is key information and you're just leaving it out!
What would you consider to be your “soul” animal and why? (this is for purely scientific purposes and will not have consequences during your stay at all. Trust us! :))
I think maybe some sort of half-cat half-eagle half-man animal. Maybe a cat eagle centaur man. A junkyard cat eagle centaur man. And part worm, too, yeah! And I'd breathe fire, obviously. Ooh, no, or maybe I could breathe lava.
What is your job here at CFUD? What do you think that means?
Pretty sure it means I have to kill more rats, right? It's always about killing rats, and watching their babies look up at you with bleak, soulless eyes as you snuff the life out of them.
Age: 26
Character: Charlie Kelly
Series: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Character Age: 36
Job: Head of sanitation management and animal control.
Canon: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia follows the poor life choices of four people in their mid-thirties (and one 60-something guy who raised two of them but might or might not be his ex-husband's biological father). Their lives are all one big example of what not to do, from identity fraud, breaking and entering, sweatshop operation, extortion, kidnapping, and drug addiction, to owning and operating a bar in south Philly and just being generally awful people who ruin the lives of everyone around them while suffering no actual consequences for their own actions.
Charlie Kelly, the janitor and co-owner of aforementioned bar, is arguably the closest thing the gang has to a decent human being, but he's still kind of a histrionic little asshole. His hobbies include things like huffing glue and eating cat food, and he's pretty much completely illiterate. But at least he's enthusiastic, in a childishly insane rambling lunatic sort of way. He's also an expert at "Charlie Work", which means handling any disgusting janitorial tasks, from scrubbing particularly hard-to-clean urinals to slaughtering generations upon generations of rats, all of which he's developed a number of alarmingly effective systems for.
Tell us about yourself in a few words.
My name's Charlie.
Why are you joining our happy community?
Court-ordered community service. Again. Look, I may or may not have allegedly quote unquote broken into an apartment that may or may not but really actually did not at all have any legal or illegal species of bird or bird eggs. I needed to make sure they were up to code. But apparently that's "against the law", or something. Like I don't know the law when it comes to birds. I'm an expert in bird law!
Anyway, there was a lot of talk about a previous record, but I wasn't really listening. All I know is, you would not believe how much paint thinner I had to huff to stay passed out for the whole trip here.
Would you be able to dispose of the flesh of the undead? How?
Well, that depends. Are we talking, like, vampires, zombies, or werewolves? Wait, shit, are werewolves undead? They are, right?
If it's zombies, it's easy. First, you soak the meat in liquid. Flammable chemicals work, but milk is okay in a pinch. You have to leave it for like two days, preferably out in the sun. If you're really in a hurry, you can put it in the oven for a couple hours, but there's really no guarantee that'll destroy it. Plus you have to get a new oven after, and that's just a mess. After you soak and and cook it, you throw it in the dumpster behind the bar.
Vampires, pretty sure you have to soak those too, but it's a little different. For vampire flesh, you're gonna want to collect a lot of cat pee. Like, a lot. We're talking like a whole week of leaving a barrel under the fire escape at night a lot. But then you only have to soak it for like ten minutes and it's good. Then you light it on fire and throw it in the dumpster behind the bar.
Werewolves, though, just don't even mess with them. Seriously, don't. Werewolves are some bad stuff, and you need like, voodoo. Like a whole voodoo ceremony. It's just not worth it.
Can you swim?
In a pool or a sewer? Sure. Probably the ocean too, I don't even know, man, that thing is just huge.
- Could you still do it under extreme distress?
You don't know what distress is until you hear the oncoming roar of sewer water headed right your way and you haven't finished getting your pants off yet.
-- While dragging someone else to shore?
Maybe, but I probably wouldn't. You shouldn't be playing in the sewer if you can't get out on your own, that's practically the law.
--- While something, let’s say a tentacle, tries to drag you under?
Is it a little tentacle or a big one? Come on, dude, these questions aren't anywhere near specific enough.
---- How would you handle that situation?
How am I supposed to handle any situation if you won't even tell me how big the tentacles are? That is key information and you're just leaving it out!
What would you consider to be your “soul” animal and why? (this is for purely scientific purposes and will not have consequences during your stay at all. Trust us! :))
I think maybe some sort of half-cat half-eagle half-man animal. Maybe a cat eagle centaur man. A junkyard cat eagle centaur man. And part worm, too, yeah! And I'd breathe fire, obviously. Ooh, no, or maybe I could breathe lava.
What is your job here at CFUD? What do you think that means?
Pretty sure it means I have to kill more rats, right? It's always about killing rats, and watching their babies look up at you with bleak, soulless eyes as you snuff the life out of them.